Unfurled

Last Tuesday, I was lucky enough to sing with the [title of show] cast at the Alaska Folk Festival. We were allowed a 15 minute time slot, and we were geared up to sing four songs to promote the real show, which opens next weekend. The Folk Fest attracts thousands of people, and I would be singing a solo. Alone. On Stage. With only a piano, a microphone, a hall of people, and all the people tuning in on the radio to listen LIVE!

I was paralyzed with nerves.

When we got on stage, I relaxed a bit, because I saw two of my favorite people right on the front row: Johanna and Johanna (two different people, but both equally awesome). Their smiling faces calmed my knocking knees.  I sang a duet with Kari, and the audience seemed engaged, and laughed at all the right moments.

Then I had to sing my solo. The song is called Way Back to Then. It is about remembering all the dreams you had when you were a ten-year-old, growing up, going to college, working in the real world, and letting the day to day habits of life get in the way of childhood confidence. And out of no where, realizing that even though life may have seemed to get in the way of your dreams, your life was bringing to exactly where you want to be.

As I was singing, and smiling at the crowd, and expressing the meaning of the song as best I could (while feeling completely terrified and vulnerable), I reached these words of the song:

"When you least expect, opportunity walks through the door. You suddenly connect with the thing that you forgot that you were looking for. And there you are! Right in the middle of what you love. With the craziest of company, you're having a kick-ass time, and being who you wanted to be in this world!"

AND I WAS! I was in that moment that the song describes.  I was having a kick-ass time! I was right in the middle of what I love! I was being exactly who I have always wanted to be. BUT right as I realized that I was connected, honest, and confident, tears started flowing. Out of my eyes. Suddenly my voice was cracking, and I felt nose-tears running onto my lips. But I had to finish the song. I didn't know what was happening, only that I had to finish the song while controlling my emotions, so I wouldn't need to blow my nose before the final song. After a couple of beats, I was officially crying. I was so surprised at myself, and totally confused. In every other play that I've been in, I've had to dig for the emotion. Really try to force myself to cry. This was so unlike every other acting experience. The emotions were right there. For everyone to see. I was crying because I realized that I was exactly where I wanted to be, and I couldn't even sing through my tears. I reached the last phrase, and I had to pause for what felt like pregnant minutes, but really probably only a couple of seconds. In that pause, all the air in the room was gone. Nobody was there. I made two fists, put my head down, squeezed my eyes shout, pushing out the pool of tears, opened them, and cracked the last phrase:


"You're that little girl, with her wings unfurled. Flying again. Back in the backyard dancing, I found a way back to then."


xo
Alli